I feel like I have made many mistakes and have hurt people I love so dearly.
My heart is fractured and sometime I just want to scream.
The tears fall hard when I am alone and when the steady stream from the shower can mask them.
Moments in the darkness when my mind drifts off somewhere else.
I put on a happy face after such moments so nobody knows my pain.
So nobody knows the atrosicties I have committed.
Knowing I am not the only wounded soul makes the torture even more so,
Who am I to love so much?
Who am I to think someone so beautiful could love me?
My tears go unheard because I have caused them
I have opened up a door that should have stayed shut.
Why is it I want this kind of love?

I have spending more time doing things I enjoy. I know it may sound selfish. For a long time I just let who I was go. Myself got lost behind long skirts and scarves. Not that it wasn't me in that moment but, it was also shielding a good part of who I was really was/am.
I have been reading a lot more again. I enjoy it so much. Also, I am writing again, about a lot of things. One of my new blogs has an assumed name, and I am so digging it.
I have got some great people in my life. Some old friends who have come back in and a couple who have become amazingly close. My support system is small but fierce. I love them.

fuck! FUCKING PEOPLE SUCK ASS! i love when you cancel last minute. you can't come because your kids woke up with a fever? yet you took her to soccer. fucking whatever!
why do i try? seriously. i am so done. so over your bullshit. you are pretty snobby for someone with no income, and so are your kids.

sometimes it is hard to just get over things. it has always been easier said than done for me. i am feeling darkness coming on. i am fighting it as much as i can. but, when it feels like you are losing everyone that matters to you...what is the use of trying.

The year ended horribly and I am thinking this year will be amazing. We ended up at the ER with Waylon. He got staples because he slipped on a stray piece of glass.  We had five vomiting kids and needless to say my wine is still waiting for me. I am hoping Jimmy will come out of his moods because he is making me crazy. I love the guy but, his moods are too much sometimes. He had stopped drinking and now he is drinking on occasion. Not a big deal to me honestly, so long as he isn't drunk and falling over himself. I told him today I was not going to nag him on anything of expect anything of him anymore. So for now on I will make my plans and offer him the choice to participate or not. This is big on my part because I have become rather dependent on him.  He always drives everywhere and I am just a bit of a nervous driver these days. I honestly am looking into GPS. Hoping that chacha works out so I can save some money up and  get us a second vehicle so I am not stuck. The kids get bored at home all the time and nobody comes over. So basically being stuck here sucks ass. Here is Waylons leg/ass

spent the day at my sisters apartment. one of my other sisters came over. we had a good time, 12 kids all together in the place it was fun. It was cold today. It was nice to get out and have other things occupying my mind than what usually does as of late. Sometimes I wish I could turn the damned thing off. I wish I could put a wall around my heart. But, I guess I can't do that anymore. My heart says I am too old to be that cold. I would end up being bitter and wrinkly. So I let it be. My heart and my mind are at odds. Such a lovely time. No really I just have to come to terms with the way things are. Not that I don't love my life, or my family. I just need to comes to terms with myself. I don't to be avoided because I seem crazy or needy. Such is life though.
My arthritis in my hands hurt like a bitch today. I am 34 why do I have arthritis?
I have been doing interviews with people. I even have a few set up. Looking into where this could lead me.

Anyhow, since my typepad is on hold i will blog here. seems every month something happens to the payment. i honestly don't know what is up my banks ass. i am pissed off.  anyhow this past year has made me realize i am a selfish bitch. i can not believe the horrible things that transpired since the summer. I fell in love with someone else. I know what an ass. Jimmy and I had been distant since last December and well, in some ways we still are. I miss our time together. I know, I know I have five kids nobody wants to watch five kids so we can go to the drive in and make out or go to subway and hold hands. i get that, well actually we have a few friends who knew what was going on and are there to watch the kids if we need some time.
the person i fell in love with reminded me so much of jimmy from when we were younger. very talkative, gentleman like into artsy things. nothing came of it even though jimmy was open to me dating this other guy. we remain friends, don't talk as much as we once did. i find it hard not to but, i know in the long run it's what is best. he is a great guy with an amazing heart, and i do still love him so, this makes me a horrible person. jimmy and him says it makes me human. that my heart us just too big sometimes. honestly, i pray this guy find love that is all his own and that he is happy. he is nearing 34 and doubtful. this makes me sad. he is cynical a lot of the time,
i spent part of my evening already crying because i heard the song purple rain. understanding that song is not something i wanted. but here i am a fluffy 34 year old married mom of five and life has brought me some obstacles this year. i hope next year is better than next.

I know it has been forever. Has anyone missed me? Anyhow, I will probably start posting here I bit more along with my main blog Love and Ukuleles. I have come to love blogging again and have baby fever so bad. Call me crazy I know I have five but, love them all so much and part of me wants another girl! YIKES!